So I went through and copied-and-pasted lines that made me laugh manic, sleep-deprived laughter as I read this, which is something I've never really done before.
Chad: Dude. You spoke to Jensen. That’s so awesome. Jared: I think I’m gonna vomit. and
“Yes. I am,” Chad admitted while casting a pitying look at Jared. “But I don’t have the added pressure of wanting to get so far in his pants I’ll never come out again.”
I have an unhealthy attachment to fictional Chad Michael Murray, forged entirely through fanfiction as I have never seen One Tree Hill or an interview with him in my life. In my more desperately insomniac moments I call him Douchebag (In A Good Way) Chad to myself and laugh.
Er. That sounds mad. But what I'm trying to get at here, is--I think he's funny, and probably fun, to write, but working a dynamic in which he has a real, non-comic-relief, role to play into a story is not so easy; I think you've managed it here, so well.
Sure he had once joined, but that was years ago and it was most likely that, as he had never renewed his subscription because he couldn’t afford the $20, he wasn’t actually still a member. and
“Er…They look like underwear. And you know, everyone wears them, except for slutty people. Slutty folks don’t wear them at all, but I do. And, hey, you do too. So kudos. To us. I mean. For not being whores.”
I think you've worked this aspect of your Jared, this non-cease-fire rambling, in perfectly as well. I love the very unclear line between what goes on in his head and what he says out loud; you also played with it magnificently in the short excerpt of the script, which had that same rambling quality to it. He's very--easily imaginable, here.
And finally, this:
“Hey! Grabby hands,” Jensen said very, very clearly. “What did we say about using indoor hands outdoors?”
“Not to do it,” Jared sighed, while simultaneously pouting and rolling his eyes and regretting ever telling Jensen about Jeff and his stupid sayings.
Because the developing relationship between them is sweet, and moves jerkily forward in what by the end of the story clearly is a single smooth arc. Your narrative is very cinematic, in some ways--hinting at exes past, villains and complexities lurking in the shadows--and though I know a limited amount about the amazing genre(s, I should say) of film you were discussing here, I thought that worked beautifully, too.
no subject
Chad: Dude. You spoke to Jensen. That’s so awesome.
Jared: I think I’m gonna vomit. and
“Yes. I am,” Chad admitted while casting a pitying look at Jared. “But I don’t have the added pressure of wanting to get so far in his pants I’ll never come out again.”
I have an unhealthy attachment to fictional Chad Michael Murray, forged entirely through fanfiction as I have never seen One Tree Hill or an interview with him in my life. In my more desperately insomniac moments I call him Douchebag (In A Good Way) Chad to myself and laugh.
Er. That sounds mad. But what I'm trying to get at here, is--I think he's funny, and probably fun, to write, but working a dynamic in which he has a real, non-comic-relief, role to play into a story is not so easy; I think you've managed it here, so well.
Sure he had once joined, but that was years ago and it was most likely that, as he had never renewed his subscription because he couldn’t afford the $20, he wasn’t actually still a member. and
“Er…They look like underwear. And you know, everyone wears them, except for slutty people. Slutty folks don’t wear them at all, but I do. And, hey, you do too. So kudos. To us. I mean. For not being whores.”
I think you've worked this aspect of your Jared, this non-cease-fire rambling, in perfectly as well. I love the very unclear line between what goes on in his head and what he says out loud; you also played with it magnificently in the short excerpt of the script, which had that same rambling quality to it. He's very--easily imaginable, here.
And finally, this:
“Hey! Grabby hands,” Jensen said very, very clearly. “What did we say about using indoor hands outdoors?”
“Not to do it,” Jared sighed, while simultaneously pouting and rolling his eyes and regretting ever telling Jensen about Jeff and his stupid sayings.
Because the developing relationship between them is sweet, and moves jerkily forward in what by the end of the story clearly is a single smooth arc. Your narrative is very cinematic, in some ways--hinting at exes past, villains and complexities lurking in the shadows--and though I know a limited amount about the amazing genre(s, I should say) of film you were discussing here, I thought that worked beautifully, too.
Thanks for this.